It has been a while since our last post. A lot of things have been happening in life, so my apologies.
I have been struggling, especially over the last few months. Struggling with constant physical pain, but also a lot of mental anguish, as well. I have had chronic back pain on and off, since I was 16 years old. I used to go years with no pain, or at least tolerable pain, but over the last few years, I have had more episodes than I care to deal with. For the last 16 months, I have been dealing with extreme pain in my back, as well as severe left leg pain down to my foot. I tried anything and everything to get the pain to go away on its own, to no avail. A few weeks ago, I had another MRI and it showed a large herniation in my L5/S1 disc. When meeting with my doctor, he also tested my nerve reflex and it showed, at this point, more than 1/2 my nerve was deadening from the herniation. I had hit a breaking point and told my husband that I couldn’t take much more. I had become quite depressed from the pain and not being able to live a more normal life. In the end, my husband and I decided the best decision for me was to have surgery to relieve the herniation.
I had surgery this past Friday, November 4th. It was successful in regard to removing the herniation and eliminating the majority of my leg pain right away. This is great news and brings me a ton of relief in regards to the physical pain. I am grateful to my doctor for his expertise and so grateful to my husband for his constant support during all of this.
Now comes the hard part, the mental pain. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years. Adding in physical pain, only exacerbates the mental pain. It causes many things to occur, including feelings of sadness, worthlessness, fear, worry, low self-esteem and inadequacies. Trying to stay positive when you are in such a state of pain and frustration is so incredibly difficult, sometimes I succeed and sometimes I do not. This week has been a lot of the same. I am so grateful for the majority of the leg pain to be gone, but still dealing with now the pain of the surgery and the mental strain of figuring out where I go from here.
I was out taking a slow meditative walk a little while ago, taking in the fall colors, deep breathing, and trying to come to terms with all that I have been through. I know some will think, yeah, you had a surgery, get over it, but it’s more than that. It’s really taken my daily life away from my norm and has forced me to sideline myself from things I love, such as working out, being active and more importantly, just being able to move in my everyday life, without pain. As I was walking, and taking slow breaths, inhaling love and exhaling love, I started crying, out of nowhere. Crying for it all to be over, crying for my mind to calm itself, crying for the pain to hopefully be gone forever, crying for myself to learn to let go of what I can’t control and focus on what I can, crying in relief, crying in hopes that this is a turning point. A turning point for me to really listen to my body and learn what it needs. To focus on what feels good for me and not worry about what others are doing. You see, one of my many issues growing up and in my eating disorder and recovery, is the fear of rejection, judgement and comparison. It has been a constant in my life, something I am not proud of but it’s there. A dear friend of mine said something very profound to me right before surgery, when I was talking about the different workouts and things I hope to do after surgery. She said, “Meghan, this is a new start for you. A time to really re-evaluate what is right for Meghan. You might find you can do what you used to, but you might find that you can’t. You might need to rethink your workout plan and find what is right for your body at this time.” It hit home, in a good way and a hard way. I long to do what I used to, as so many of us probably do, but in actuality, I am not sure what my body will allow me to do. Only time will tell.
I think I was just compelled to write, more for therapy for myself, to express that change is scary, but is sometimes necessary. This is a time for me to try and shift my perspective in regards to myself, my body, my abilities, my mindset about myself, my fear of rejection, my fear of worthlessness and learn to really love myself for where I am at currently in life. I am ok. I am strong. I am worthy. I am bold. I am beautiful. I am more than my body. I am more than the number on the scale. I am more than my fears. I have an amazing husband, family and friends. I am here, breathing in love and breathing out love and all will be ok.
“Instead of focusing on what you lack, direct your attention on what you do have. Be grateful. Repeat: thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s a beautiful world we live in. Can’t you see it? It’s full of magic! If you focus only on what is not in front of you, you might miss it. So be present. Give thanks. Enjoy today. It’s beautiful!” – (Rachel Brathen, aka Yoga Girl)
eatlivelove.org 