Month: June 2016

Yesterday I had the privilege of speaking at a Family Day at a local Eating Disorder Treatment Center. The center hosts family day once a month, giving parents, siblings, spouses, etc., time to educate themselves on how they can help their loved one through their eating disorder and recovery. One important piece of this day is having them hear a recovery story! 

I was so humbled to be asked and was excited, nervous, scared, but more importantly, hopeful, that my story could help those loved ones see that there is hope!

I spoke for almost 2 hours, telling my story and then answering a lot of questions from several of the attendees. I could see the fear and sadness in their eyes, but I could also see their strength and determination, to do anything and everything they could to help their daughters/sons/wives,etc beat this terrible disease. 

Seeing these parents faces during my story, made me reflect back on what my parents were most likely experiencing during my illness. The pain and heartache of not understanding, not knowing how to help and not wanting to push too much for fear of driving me away. It was overwhelming for me to think about that, but made me feel so grateful for the love and support of my parents and family. 

One common theme I kept reiterating, was the fact that they can’t give up on them. They have to continue pushing forward and expressing how much they love them, that they know it must be incredibly difficult what they are going through, but that they are so proud of them for fighting! 

I spoke with a few of the parents after my talk and my heart broke for them, hearing about their daughters struggles and all they have been through. My story really resonated with one of the parents especially, as my story and her daughters were incredibly similar. My prayer is she walked away with a bit of hope in her heart that if I can recover, so can her daughter. 

I pray for each of these families, that their daughters/sons/wives move a step forward each and everyday, towards recovery. That they see the strength they have in themselves and can beat this disease and live a beautiful, healthy, peaceful life on the other side of ED. 

Lots of love and prayer to any and all suffering. If you are a family member of someone suffering, my advice to you is: Don’t give up on them! Stay strong! There is HOPE! 

  
I recently took a trip to Greece with my husband! We had the time of our lives! It was exciting, adventurous and magical. But this trip was also very enlightening for me. 

 You see, 16 years ago around this same time, I was fortunate enough to travel with a group of my fellow high schoolers and teachers/chaperones, on an epic adventure to Egypt, Israel and Greece!  I had just graduated from high school and was taking this grand adventure before heading off to college. Most would find this to be a pretty amazing opportunity; and don’t get me wrong, I absolutely did! This trip is what created the passion to travel in my soul. However, this trip was also during the beginning of my battle with anorexia! 

 

 
I was excited, yes, but I was terrified of what I was going to have to eat while there! I was scared of not being able to do my regimented exercise routine. I was worried I would put on weight. I was fearful of all of these unknowns, which in hindsight, I believe stole some of the joy away from me and this trip.

I remember packing and making up the excuse that I probably wouldn’t like the food, so I’m going to pack some snacks in my suitcase. When we arrived and I pulled out several cans of fruit cups, rolls of saltines (with the calorie count per cracker written on the bag) and a large bag of jolly ranchers (also with the calorie counts), my friend Beth got worried. She knew something was just not right! I mean really, who writes down the calories of a saltine? I did! I was so fearful and made every excuse up in the book to not eat certain things on the trip! For some unknown reason, I pretty much lived on banana chips the entire trip. Banana chips…laden with sugar…but for some reason, it was all I ate! 

Even though we were walking everywhere, I still felt the need to sneak in any kind of exercise I could. I went to the hotel gyms, I went on a long run through the streets of Athens, I did random stuff in my room, and all in the name of my eating disorder! It forced me! There was that ED voice saying “you must workout so you don’t gain all this weight!” “You must workout to get in shape for collegiate volleyball!” “You must, you must, you must!”

 
I look back, sadden at the fact I let such an amazing trip, food and drink be dimished by this awful disease I was dealing with! When we returned from the trip, my family was shocked at my appearance. I had dropped a significant amount of weight in a 2 week span. I clearly remember my sister asking me, “did they not have any food over there?!” But I didn’t care, I had already dove headfirst into the rabbit hole of my eating disorder! 

When I came home from college (1 1/2mths after arriving), the week before entering treatment for anorexia, I went back to my former high school to visit. I stopped in and chatted with Mrs. Barrett, our teacher who took us on that once in a lifetime trip! I will never forget her telling me how worried she was about me on that trip! She could tell I was not eating and she told me this story that makes my mouth drop to this day. Our last day in Greece was spent island hopping on a cruise ship. We had a really nice lunch on the boat but I refused to eat most of it. Mrs. Barrett informed me that she knew it was something serious when I asked her how many calories were in the tomato slice on my plate! Sad, just sad! 

 Fast forward to today! When my husband and I planned this trip, I had one thing in mind! I am going on this trip and will enjoy all the sights, all the sounds, the food, the drinks, etc! Everything, I was taking it all in, making up for lost time 16 years ago! And boy did we! It was quite surreal being back in the same location but such a different space personally for myself! I soaked it all up, reflecting on the last time I was there and all that has happened in between! 

We tried to visit a lot of the same spots I went to 16 years ago, so I could reflect and experience it all over again! It was so wonderful experiencing it all with a different set of eyes! To see the beauty and mystery behind this historic country is something I will forever be grateful for. 

 

 

 
  

 
One thing I did learn while there though, is this ugly beast of an eating disorder still rears its ugly head to this day. I am at a much different place than 16 years ago, but I still to this day struggle with body image and it appeared while on the trip! However, this time, I did my best to not let it steal my joy! It’s a choice, every single day, to overpower this voice in my head. Some days I win, some days I don’t. But the biggest win is, I don’t let it take over my life. I’ve accepted the fact that it is there and will most likely, always be there, but it will not win! 

 

 
 

  

 

 
  

 
 

 

 

 
 

 
 

 

 

 
  

And if you were wondering, I packed no snacks from home! No way was I going down that road!  I immersed myself in everything Greek! From the Greek salads (OMG they are so good), to the gyros, to the fresh fish, to the kabobs, to the olives, cheese, bread and baklava, I enjoyed it all!  And I didn’t once feel guilty! No, not once, because, I deserve it! We all deserve it! Food is made to be enjoyed, not to be feared! Oh…and the wine! Lots of wine! And damn it was good! 
To all struggling or in recovery, just know, there is a life outside ED! You to, can enjoy anything and everything you want! You can get there, I promise! Don’t give up!